i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize