I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
