Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
