I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
