So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
