No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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