I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My feet surprised me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
