btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You don't make any sense
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