??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
