just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
don't judge my taste in strippers
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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