Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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