My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
