I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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