that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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