I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
