I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
