Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You made out with two different species that night
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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