she is the kim kardashian of front butts
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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