I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
