Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
