genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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