sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
