butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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