Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
