If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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