I'll bet she douches with gravy.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
