The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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