I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize