Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
