So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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