Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
