Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
