Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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