god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
