You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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