i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
