Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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