I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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