she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
