dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
