Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
