She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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