morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
