chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize