he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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