I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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