Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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