you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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