He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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