A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
