so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
