I am midnight drunk by noon
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
