tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
