No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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