you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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