Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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