Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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