It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
