how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
