I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i barfeds in our rink
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
