don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
